When Your Child Is the Bully

The call from the school. The email from another parent. The sinking realization that in this story, your child isn't the victim — they're the one causing pain.

Your first instinct might be denial. Or shame. Or rage. All understandable. None helpful.

Here's what to do instead.

Why kids bully

They feel powerless somewhere. Bullying is almost always about power. A child who feels powerless at home, academically, or socially may seek power by controlling someone else.

They've been bullied themselves. Hurt people hurt people. This is as true at 9 as it is at 39. Kids who've experienced aggression often replicate it.

Related: How to Talk to Your Child About Bullying

They lack empathy skills. Some kids genuinely don't understand the impact of their behavior. This isn't sociopathy — it's a developmental gap that can be taught.

Social dynamics reward it. In some peer groups, being "tough" or "funny" (at someone else's expense) earns social status. Your child may be choosing popularity over kindness.

Something is wrong at home. Divorce, a new sibling, financial stress, parental conflict — kids act out what they can't talk about.

How to respond

Don't dismiss it. "My child would never do that" shuts down the conversation. Take the report seriously.

Related: Preschool Social Skills: What Your 3-5 Year Old Should Be Learning

Stay calm, be direct. "I got a call from school today. They told me you've been saying hurtful things to Alex. Tell me what happened." Listen.

Don't shame. "I can't believe you'd do that" or "What's wrong with you?" deepens the problem. Shame doesn't build empathy — it builds more anger.

Help them feel the impact. "Imagine if every day at school, someone told you that nobody likes you. How would that feel when you get up in the morning?" Make it personal without making it punitive.

Related: When Your Preschooler Isn't Invited to the Party

Address the root. Is your child stressed? Feeling insecure? Being bullied by someone else? Watching too much aggressive content? The bullying behavior is the symptom. Find the cause.

Make repair mandatory. An apology — a real one, not a forced "sorry" — and a plan to change behavior. Repair is where growth happens.

Monitor and follow up. One conversation doesn't fix this. Check in regularly. Talk to the school. Watch social dynamics. Sustained attention is required.

The uncomfortable truth

Sometimes the bully at school is being raised by loving, attentive parents. Good parenting doesn't make children immune to making bad choices. What matters is what happens after.

Related: When Your Child Has No Friends (or Loses Their Best Friend)

Your child isn't a bad kid. They're a kid who did a bad thing. How you respond teaches them whether mistakes define them — or whether they can grow past them.